Tuesday, September 24, 2019

169 I want to be erased

I'm a waste of oxygen, food and any other essential or non-essential resource. The fact that people seem to regard me as talented simply for the copious amounts of academical successes I've reached madden me so much that I want to ram my head into a metal wall just to show them that no, I'm not deserving of this. I don't even care about it. Even if it may seem like it.

I think I'm retarded. Something, somethings - must have gone wrong when I was born. I don't feel human and I believe I'm beneath every single member of society due to my inability to connect to anyone. Oh, yeah, all these medals, even a scholarship and diplomas - wow, look, I'm so smart!

No. They're as worthless as the junk that I learn for education on a daily basis. And that's the only thing I'm good at. Iterating this learned junk so masterfully that everyone is blindly latching onto the idea that I'm the smartest student in class.

Even my parent has told me that I'm only smart on paper. Everything else that actually matters - such as social interaction, and following instructions so simple that people half my age would be able to follow it? Yeah, I can't do those. I'm a dull witted idiot. I fully believe something truly fucked up with my brain development. And the words 'you're only smart on paper' wouldn't hurt as much if they weren't the truth. And I know they are. It's not simply even being about socially inept anymore. It's just being an imbecile. And expected to be up to the standard of every normal and average human - and those standards I cannot meet.

I remember when I used to be happy. Absolutely nothing gives me what I would call joy. I like only a few things in this world, and without them I'd have jumped off of my balcony already. Knowing myself, I'd fail at that too. There's just this one ingredient that everyone has that I'm missing. The one thing that makes them behave like the normal person that I am not.

And beyond being a cretin? I'm ungrateful. I'm reminded that I'm ungrateful on a daily basis verbally.

I have a home. I have food. I have access to an electronic device. I have a cat. I go to school and receive top marks.

And then I remember there's people with none of these things, and people who're also out there, clinging to this world with the last specks of their sanity - people who have to challenge and beat prejudices, people who're discriminated against for the colour of their skin, race, religion, sex, gender, nationality, sexual orientation. And none of these things that trouble the abovementioned figures trouble me as an individual - I am unharmed by these negatives. But I still don't want to exist.

I don't want to kill myself. Because a lot of effort, time and energy, alongside money, was put in the act of raising me to the state I am today. I don't want to throw that away. But if there was just this button to completely wipe all traces of me from the face of this earth? I'd sure as hell sign up.

I wish I'd just been born like most of humanity on Earth; a part of the majority. I wouldn't even care if I had been born a homophobic twat if it meant I could blend in with others. Just for a little time. I wouldn't care if I had been born a racist, a sexist, or any other vile scum that are so well integrated into society. That's just how selfish I am. I wish I had been born an ignorant ass, if it meant just a modicum of happiness - for myself.

I still remember when my sister asked my mother about suicide as a young kid (she's not suicidal). My mother said all those who kill themselves are condemned to hell for all of eternity. And out of all the things that I've heard in all of my life, this one, this particular line brings a genuine smile to my face. This is how she expects, this is how society around me expects that they discourage suicide.

Besides, I'm going to hell regardless. Not that I've done any particular evils, no. I just never believed in God. So I'm cruising down to hell, I suppose, to punish for my lack of faith. But I sincerely hope it's just a big, endless, empty sleep that comes after death.

I'll go sleep it off now. Suicide would be wasted on a person like me, anyway.

Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/d60cn5/if_there_was_a_button_for_deleting_myself_out_of/

168 Critical Thinking

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

164 AI Hide 'n' seek

163 Me conformo con mi amor

Me conformo mi amor
con verte sonreír
y con verte pasar 
nada más, nada más
junto a mi.

Me conformo mi amor
con saber, que a mi lado
fuiste tu muy feliz
aunque te olvides de mí.

Así es la vida
todo tiene un principio y un fin
mas yo quería
que a mi lado fueras
muy feliz.

Pero me conformo con saber
que fuiste mío
y que eres en mi vida

El más querido.

162 Our thought process about people

Monday, September 16, 2019

Sunday, September 15, 2019

160 We get 70

We get 70 (if we're lucky) short years on this planet, then there's an eternity of nothing.


159 Ya se va a acabar el año

Ya se va a acabar el año y nunca le dije que valió la pena cada risa, cada lágrima, cada pelea, y cada te amo.


158 Iron Golems

When I saw the first one, I ran inside to grab a fishing pole to try to fish it out. Just as I got him out, I noticed the second one, farther in. When I swam down to check him out, I found the whole group of them. I was taken back for a few seconds, completely speechless. It was almost like they wanted to be down there.
I honestly don’t know what I should do with them, now. I figure I could drain the area around them, excavate them, and then build a fence to keep them contained, but I think that might be even worse. Immortality is probably not all it’s cracked up to be. Eventually, you just want to rest, I imagine.
Then I started wandering off on mental tangents about pathfinding code. This game is definitely more than the sum of its parts.

Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/Minecraft/comments/ryw92/a_solemn_inevitability/

157 You make me want to be a better person

You make me want to be a better person. And I’m not sure I want to be a better person.

156 Shun y Mime

Mime - ¿Por qué insiste en pelear?, ¿Por qué Andrómeda?
Shun - Ya te lo he dicho, debo rescatar a Atena y proteger esta tierra.
Mime - ¿acaso crees que podrás proteger a esta pobre y miserable tierra? ¿Crees que esta tierra merece que apueste tu pobre vida? ¿O crees que llegará el momento en que haya paz sin pelear y sin delitos? Acaso lo crees? Piénsalo.
Shun - Este sujeto es distinto a aquellos con los que he combatido. Lee todo lo que hay en mi mente. 
Mime - Tú has herido a muchas personas en la guerra de las 12 casas, Andrómeda. Y tú también resultaste herido. Y ¿Qué fue lo que conseguiste? Sólo otra pelea. 
Shun - Es cierto. Me pregunto cuántas personas habré de lastimar. La justicia no es una excusa. Lo cierto es que hiero a muchas personas. Incluyendo a algunos de mis amigos. Seiya, Saori ¿es verdad?. ¿Será cierto lo que me dijo Mime el resultado de una pelea es otra pelea? La paz no llegará aún cuando nos esforcemos. Dímelo, Seiya. Saori. Shiryu. Hyoga. ¿Por qué? ¿Por qué no hablan? ¿Por qué pelean?
Mime - Andrómeda, creo que podrás dejar de pelear sólo cuando hayas muerto. 
Ikki - Shun, no hay respuesta. 
Mime - ¿Qué es este cosmos?. 
Shun - Hermano!
Ikki - Lo único que podemos hacer es confiar en nuestro futuro. Es muy difícil lo sé. Pero nada habrá de quedar si renunciamos a todo pensando así. De eso estoy seguro. Nuestra lucha no será inútil. Mantente firme Shun, todo terminará si te rindes ahora. 
Shun - Aún no logro entenderlo, pero creo en lo que creo mi hermano. Bien Mime, te venceré! Prepárate para luchar conmigo!

Saint Seiya

155 Orfeo y Eurídice

Orfeo - Eurídice te amo, incluso aquí en el infierno. Créeme Eurídice, te amo. Aunque tuve que traicionar a Atena, deseaba tu alma de regreso. Esa es la verdad. Sin embargo, cuando una flor muere nunca vuelve a florecer, la gente, las aves, los insectos, incluso las estrellas que brillan intensamente, la vida ocurre solamente una vez. Por eso es tan hermosa y preciada. Comprendes Eurídice, estaba equivocado al querer traer a alguien de la muerte. Me equivoque al desear tal cosa. 
Eurídice - Orfeo.
Orfeo - Eurídice.
Eurídice - Te agradezco lo que has hecho por mí, las melodías que tocaste todo este tiempo. Gracias a tu lira pude seguir viviendo incluso en este estado. Pero ya es suficiente.
Orfeo - Eurídice.
Eurídice - Orfeo. Adios. Y muchas gracias. Adios. 

Saint Seiya

154 Manigoldo y Sage

Manigoldo - Dónde estoy? Qué es este lugar? 
* Se ve una fila de cadáveres caminando hacia un precipicio. *
Manigoldo - No! Deténganse! Qué es lo que les pasa?
Sage - La muerte. Hay tantas muertes en nuestro mundo que llenan estas filas infinitas. 
Manigoldo - Dime una cosa, ¿encuentran la paz al caer ahí?
Sage - Jamás. Abajo su único destino es el inframundo. Mejor dicho el Infierno. 
Manigoldo - ¿Infierno? No puede ser! Quizá sufrieron mucho al momento de su muerte. Y al parecer aún lo hacen. Pero ¿tienen que sufrir por toda la eternidad? No te quedes ahí patriarca, haz algo! ¿No podemos deternerlos? ¿No podemos detener esas líneas?
* Se avienta para intentar detener una joven que está por caer. Y cae con ella lográndose sostener apenas del borde. *
Sage - Manigoldo. Suéltala ya, déjala ir.
Manigoldo  - pero…
Sage - De todos modos ella ya está muerta. Aunque la salves de esa fosa no vivirá. 
Manigoldo - Pero, sufrirá más si cae ahí, patriarca. Sufrió al morir, estoy seguro. Pero no permitiré que lo haga eternamente. No voy a permitirlo. 
Sage - Déjala ya, Manigoldo. 
Manigoldo - ¿Qué sentido tiene vivir entonces? ¿Todo mi pueblo sufrirá igual? Si es así como termina la vida, entonces ¿todo mi pueblo sufrirá igual? Si termina así la vida, entonces ¿qué sentido tiene convertirme en caballero?
* Cae la joven. *
Manigoldo - Sólo siento una profunda angustia. 
Sage - Una profunda angustia. No lo des por hecho así nada más. Respóndeme esto, ¿ya olvidaste la razón por la cual te traje al santuario?. No fue porque quisiera enseñarte sobre la angustia o desesperanza en el campo de batalla. 
* Sube a Manigoldo. *
Sage - Fue para que pudieras vivir, Manigoldo. 
Manigoldo - No entiendo nada, ¿cómo podré vivir después de lo que he visto?
Sage - Por esa razón luchamos contra el dios Hades, aquel que reina el inframundo. Y contra todos aquellos que tratan a los humanos como si fueran simples peones. Por eso debes sentir esa vida, Manigoldo, y el universo que hay en ella. No dejes de sentirla y valorarla. Y así derrotaremos a la muerte misma. 
* De vuelta al campo de batalla contra Tanathos. *
Sage - ¿Angustiante? No uses esa palabra tan a la ligera. Aún hay esperanza. 
Manigoldo - Ahora comprendo maestro, tienes toda mi confianza. 

153 I think I'm afraid of being happy

I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens.

Charlie Brown

152 Five steps to control the ego

Five steps to control the ego:
1. Don't get easily offended,
2. Free yourself from the need to win,
3. Free yourself from the need to always be right
4. Free yourself from the need to be superior
5. Free yourself from the need to have more.


Source: https://twitter.com/contodalactitud/status/198113367062364160

151 I know that I shall never

I know. I know that I shall never again meet anything or anybody who will inspire me with passion. You know, it's quite a job starting to love somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment, in the very beginning, when you have to jump across a precipice: if you think about it you don't do it. I know I'll never jump again.

Jean-Paul Sartre

150 Believe

149 Butters on sadness

Well yeah, and I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin’ really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I’m feelin’ is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid.

Butter, South Park

148 All I want to do

All I want to do is sit down for ten minutes and not worry about a single, damn, thing.

147 God doesn't hate us

God doesn’t hate us. But God could be disappointed in us — like children.

Ridley Scott

146 Plano cartesiano de la tolerancia

145 Time crumbles things

Time crumbles things; everything grows old and is forgotten under the power of time.


144 Hitler in Paris

143 I want you to be happy

I want you to be happy, laugh out loud, thrill to be alive, smile all the time, and if you think that this world won’t give you the things that you want: love, kids, a family, then I am gonna have to change the world ‘cause I will not have it change you!

You Should Meet my Son

142 A veces se me olvida

A veces se me olvida que esto es un sueño y qué en realidad cuando despierte estaré a tu lado.


Source: https://twitter.com/pinchermoso/status/231230821950955520

141 El día que no haya gente

El día que no haya gente con más cosas que el máximo en las cajas rápidas de Walmart, ese día, habremos mejorado un poquito como sociedad.


Source: https://twitter.com/jaec/status/235452716191723520

140 Algunas veces existen personas

Algunas veces existen personas adecuadas en momentos equivocados.


Source: https://twitter.com/Bieyka/status/238794241973837824

139 Tower collapsing

138 It was over

It was over. I’d felt powerful, sexy and loved. Now, an empty plate sat where the chocolate cake had been. The loneliness crept back in.


137 I've been lost

I’ve been lost for so long that honestly I’m not even sure that I want to be found again.


136 2012 is OVER

135 The secret is to fall in love

The secret is to fall in love many times, but with the same person.

134 What makes you a man

What makes you a man is not the ability to make a child, it's the courage to raise one.

Barack Obama

133 Dead Island: Paradise

132 Dead Island Riptide Trailer

131 Aleppo burning

130 Stalingrad burning

129 Life is so uncertain

Life is so uncertain, that we ought to secure happiness while it is within our reach.

Alexandre Dumas

128 Some are born great

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em.


127 Homs, Syria 2011-2014

126 Anxiety Hits

125 Happy Suit

124 Greetings from Grozny

123 Creating a Life

122 What's the most a single, average person can do?

What's the most a single, average person can do to help as many people as much as possible?

Consecrate your life to being the embodiment of your own highest ideals. The only thing that is consistent in your life is you. By making this thing, your 'self', as insightful, compassionate, useful, productive, loving, learned, determined . . .[virtue X] you guarantee that all events and relationships you engage in will have this positive aspect. You can't control things beyond yourself, you can only contribute. The quality of your contribution is directly proportional to the quality of your person. Any specific set of actions, philosophies, philanthropies, 'causes' or the like are impermanent and only useful in a proper context and application. Therefore identification with or association of these activities as 'the best' will simply prevent you from actually being in the moment and responding, you will be reacting to your own idealized mental landscape. Moreover your knowledge of the impact of your actions is severely limited. However we might be aware of the impact of our actions in ways we can understand the butterfly affect of causality extends far beyond our awareness. Furthermore ideas are viral in their spreading. If others observe in you the embodiment of ideals they value and they see the effects of this in and through your actions they too may be inspired to refine themselves. This refracts throughout society as we inspire each other to evolve ourselves. To have a more evolved society we need more developed people to create it. To facilitate the development of others we can only lead by example, share the notes of our own growth journey and support each other.


Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueAskReddit/comments/1zy161/whats_the_most_a_single_average_person_can_do_to/cfy06au/

121 We're all trash

We’re all trash, waiting to be thrown away.

Lotso, Toy Story 3

120 Guys, I have something to tell you

119 No puedo permitir seguir teniendo miedo

118 Happy Yet?

Happy yet?“ The Lorax scoffed, "You fill that hole deep down inside of you? Or do you still need more?

The Lorax

117 I wish I could tell her how wrong she was

My wife was struggling with depression for about 6 months. She attempted overdosing in December, but I found out and called an ambulance. Yesterday she jumped off the roof of our apartment building while I was out. I don’t know why I’m writing this. It might be to prevent others from doing this, but I think it is a more selfish desire to just say it
I found out yesterday that she stopped taking her medication for about 7-10 days because the side effects were unbearable. I don’t mean to diminish this, but I believe it was mostly in her head. She operated normally as far as I could tell, but was fixated on this idea. I noticed she got worse recently but I believed it was because she was putting pressure on herself to get back to work. I guess I was wrong.
She thought I would be better off without her. That the pain I was going through watching her was too much for me. I truly believe that when she jumped she was partially doing it to free me. I wish I could tell her how wrong she was.
Now I feel trapped. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel for myself but I also don’t see suicide as an option. How can I put my loved ones through what I’m now going through? I can only hope that the saying time heals all wounds is correct.

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/21xo0q/my_wife_committed_suicide_yesterday/

116 Everybody is someone else's weirdo

115 You give up the world line by line

You give up the world line by line. Stoically. And then one day you realize that your courage is farcical. It doesn’t mean anything. You’ve become an accomplice in your own annihilation and there is nothing you can do about it. Everything you do closes a door somewhere ahead of you. And finally, there is only one door left.

Cormac McCarthy

114 Everything not saved

113 You're my sunshine

112 Why should I contribute?

Why should I contribute to making it harder for others to acknowledge their depression and seek help? I know what has held me back all these years. Would people think less of me? Would I seem to be tainted, reduced in their eyes, someone with an inner failing whom no one would want to hire or with whom no one would want to marry or have children? Would even friends start tip-toeing around my psyche? Would colleagues trust me with responsibility?

111 Last Minutes with ODEN

110 Mother crossing

109 The Lion and the Unfinished Temple

108 Bipolar

107 Paws

106 Death stroller

105 No happy endings

But there’s no happy endings, not here and not now. This tale is all sorrows and woes. You might dream that justice and peace win the day, but that’s not how the story goes…

(A series of unfortunate events, Netflix)

104 You're getting old

RandyYou don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?!

SharonYes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child!

RandyI'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon!

Sharon... You're 42 years old, Randy!

RandyI'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be!

SharonOh is that what you think?! That I'm dead?!

You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef!

RandyWhy can't you ever just support me?!

SharonSupport what?! Another stupid dream of yours?!

RandyFace it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old!

SharonWHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with you making the same mistakes again and again?!

RandyBecause I'm unhappy, okay?! I've been unhappy for a long time!

SharonI'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until- it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

RandyI don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and... I want to enjoy it.

SharonI want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore. You just seem kind of shitty to me.

RandyYou kind of seem shitty to me too.

SharonPeople get older, Randy. People grow apart.

[Landslide by Fleetwood Mac plays]

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

103 Do you still believe in love?

Tu pregunta me agarró fuera de lugar.

Respuesta corta: sí (?)
Respuesta larga: no sé

Creo en el poder de la compañía incondicional, en la intención de que a alguien le vaya bien, en hacer lo posible para que alguien esté bien.

Mi ex, antes de que fuera mi novio, era mi mejor amigo. Compartíamos casi todo, queríamos lo mejor para el otro, nos bastaba con estar presente con el otro para estar agusto. Si me preguntaras en el apogeo de la relación si lo amaba, sin duda que sí. Pero ya cerca del final no sé. Todavía ahora lo quiero mucho y espero poder re-establecer alguna relación con él. Vivimos muchas cosas buenas, malas y más importante, intermedias que me es difícil separar el amor de la costumbre.

Veo a mis papás y me queda claro que el amor existe. Ellos están el uno para el otro de maneras poco objetivas. Dejan todo por el otro. El amor debe existir, pero no sé en qué forma. Lo mismo para algunos amigos.

Mi psiquiatra dice que suelo sobre-analizar las cosas. Pensar demasiado en un tema al punto en que no llego a ninguna conclusión. Y sin duda tiene razón, al menos en parte. Ese es un gran problema que tengo – pensar y repensar al punto de la inacción.

Pero creo que más bien me gusta tener la mayor cantidad de información posible antes de tomar una postura. Y por supuesto que reconozco que puedo estar mal o, al menos, mal informado. Pero no me gusta decantarme por una u otra postura así nomás porque sí. Creo que es el ingeniero en mí: pensar, considerar, alimentar el modelo de análisis, interpretar los resultados y repetir (ad nauseam). Necesito pensar una respuesta más concreta antes de decirte qué pienso.

Ahorita no te puedo dar una respuesta, pero te puedo dar un divague (jaja). Pero debo agradecer la pregunta porque género muchas inquietudes que debo resolver en el tiempo.

- "Aún crees en el amor?"
- No… bueno, sí. O más bien no sé… te digo luego

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

102 the worst party of having a mental illness

The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you DON'T.

Joker (2019)

101 It's like a panic attack

Stiles Stilinski: I'm fine. Yeah, aside from the not sleeping, the jumpiness, the constant overwhelming crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen.
Ms. Morell: It's called hyper vigilance. The persistent feeling of being under threat.
Stiles Stilinski: It's not just a feeling though. It's like it's a panic attack. You know, I can't even breathe.
Ms. Morell: Like you're drowning?
Stiles Stilinski: Yeah.
Ms. Morell: So, if you're drowning and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very last moment. But if you choose to not open your mouth, to not let the water in.
Stiles Stilinski: You do it anyway. It's a reflex.
Ms. Morell: But if you hold off until that reflex kicks in. You have more time, right?
Stiles Stilinski: Not much time.
Ms. Morell: But more time to fight your way to the surface.
Stiles Stilinski: I guess.
Ms. Morell: More time to be rescued.
Stiles Stilinski: More time to be in agonizing pain. Did you forget about the part where you feel like your head's exploding?
Ms. Morell: If it's about survival, isn't a little agony worth it?
Stiles Stilinski: What if it just gets worse. What if it's agony now and then... then it's just hell later on?
Ms. Morell: Then think about what Winston Churchill once said: If you're going through hell... keep going

Stiles Stilinski - Teen Wolf S02E11