Fascism is a hard ideology to define because nearly every modern government or political movement has been called 'fascist' by somebody. I contend that fascism was a political movement unique to the early 20th century, especially in Europe, because its worldview was shaped by events and philosophical ideas from the late 19th century until the interwar period. Some people have called states like Saddam Hussein's Iraq 'fascist', but I believe that there is a big difference between authoritarian dictatorship and genuine fascism.
So how did fascism originally develop? It grew out of a European intellectual movement which criticized the alienating effect that industrial society had on modern man, as well as late 19th century critiques of Liberalism and Positivism. They believed that industrial society robbed men of their individuality; however they wanted to assert it at the same time. These ideas were adopted by many young people, especially young, middle-class socialists, because they wanted to rebel against what they perceived as pointless and archaic bourgeois morality and conformity. This is why in the 1930s, fascism looked like it might actually take over Europe: it successfully harnessed people’s dissatisfaction with modern society and directed it into political channels.
Fascists were influenced by philosophers like Gustav Le Bon who wrote about the need for a strong leading figure to lead the masses against social ills. He believed that people were fundamentally irrational, and should embrace their irrationality. This was taken up by fascist ideologues who thought that their members’ irrationality should be harnessed by the leader and directed into political action, which was mostly comprised of beating up socialists, communists and trade unionists (or Jews in the case of Nazism). Fascism was a fundamentally violent ideology which praised war and conflict. Both Hitler and Mussolini believed that war was the highest expression of human ability and society, and sincerely thought that life was a continual conflict between people for limited resources (hence the title of Hitler's autobiography, Mein Kampf). To fascists war was a good thing because it let nations or races decide who was the strongest and who deserved the planet's resources.
Fascism’s insistence on embracing irrationality is one thing that makes it hard to comprehend; although Hitler and Mussolini wrote their respective handbooks about fascist beliefs, they ultimately rejected concrete doctrines and always acted in response to current events. This is why a lot of fascist rhetoric and actions seem to be contradictionary.
The First World War gave fascism its mass base. Veterans across Europe felt alienated in civilian society after the war, which could not understand their experiences on the frontline. A lot of them wanted to return to an idealized comradeship and hierarchy of the front line, which fascist organizations like the SA and the Blackshirts offered. A lot of them didn’t actually care about the nuances of fascist ideology, they just felt like they didn’t belong in civilian society and needed order and comrades. Instead of a real enemy opposing army, fascism offered them a frontline against post-war society which was especially attractive in revisionist countries like Germany and Italy, where many wanted to destroy the existing Liberal order which they blamed for their countries’ humiliations.
Unlike socialists and communists, fascists wanted to cure modern society’s alienation through the creation of a hierarchal state made up of different social classes working together for the benefit of the nation. This is called ‘corporatism’ and is fascism’s only real contribution to economic thought. The competing segments of industrial society would be united by the leader act entirely through the state, which incidentally would preserve existing capitalist hierarchies and strengthen them. Fascists were for a sort of inverted social-democracy which would give social services to its members but not to anyone else. If you were not a member of the nation or the Volksgemeinschaft - tough luck. This is why many people participated in Fascist and Nazi organizations like the DAP or Hitler Youth; if you did not actively participate in the national or racial community, you were not a part of it and would be socially ostracized (or worse) and denied state benefits. They didn't necessarily believe in fascist ideology, and many opposed it, but the fascist state required them to participate in it.
The major difference between fascism and socialism is that the former was all about preserving hierarchy and bourgeois society, while getting rid of industrial alienation through the creation of a totalitarian society. Mussolini thought that by giving up your individuality to the totalitarian state, you could have your energies and efforts multiplied by its services. Paradoxically, by surrendering individuality, alienation would somehow disappear. In industrial societies, fascism was popular with the middle class because it offered a cultural and social revolution which would keep hierarchies and fortify them through corporatism. Unlike conservatism, fascism wanted a cultural revolution that would create a “New Fascist Man” who had no individuality separate from the state. This is why it was appealing to the middle class; it let them vent their frustrations about modern society and be little revolutionaries while simultaneously protecting their property and position in the social hierarchy.
The emphasis on maintaining private property and hierarchy was what made fascists hate socialists and communists. Fascism marketed itself as the “Third Way” between Liberalism, which was responsible for alienation and the post-war Wilsonian order, and Socialism, which threatened to take bourgeois property in an economic revolution. Conservatives and fascists usually got along because they both hated the same things, but most conservatives failed to understand the revolutionary aspect of fascism and believed they could be controlled to curtail workers’ rights and revise the Paris Treaties, which didn't really work out.
EDIT: I've got to go to class right now, and I'll try to answer all your questions ASAP!
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/22ox1w/what_is_fascism/cgoz902?context=3
Showing posts with label post. Show all posts
Showing posts with label post. Show all posts
Monday, December 2, 2019
Sunday, September 15, 2019
159 Ya se va a acabar el año
Ya se va a acabar el año y nunca le dije que valió la pena cada risa, cada lágrima, cada pelea, y cada te amo.
unhijodeputa
unhijodeputa
152 Five steps to control the ego
Five steps to control the ego:
1. Don't get easily offended,
2. Free yourself from the need to win,
3. Free yourself from the need to always be right
4. Free yourself from the need to be superior
5. Free yourself from the need to have more.
Contodalactitud
Source: https://twitter.com/contodalactitud/status/198113367062364160
1. Don't get easily offended,
2. Free yourself from the need to win,
3. Free yourself from the need to always be right
4. Free yourself from the need to be superior
5. Free yourself from the need to have more.
Contodalactitud
Source: https://twitter.com/contodalactitud/status/198113367062364160
142 A veces se me olvida
A veces se me olvida que esto es un sueño y qué en realidad cuando despierte estaré a tu lado.
pinchermoso
Source: https://twitter.com/pinchermoso/status/231230821950955520
pinchermoso
Source: https://twitter.com/pinchermoso/status/231230821950955520
141 El día que no haya gente
El día que no haya gente con más cosas que el máximo en las cajas rápidas de Walmart, ese día, habremos mejorado un poquito como sociedad.
jaec
Source: https://twitter.com/jaec/status/235452716191723520
jaec
Source: https://twitter.com/jaec/status/235452716191723520
137 I've been lost
I’ve been lost for so long that honestly I’m not even sure that I want to be found again.
That_Damn_Duck
That_Damn_Duck
122 What's the most a single, average person can do?
What's the most a single, average person can do to help as many people as much as possible?
Consecrate your life to being the embodiment of your own highest ideals. The only thing that is consistent in your life is you. By making this thing, your 'self', as insightful, compassionate, useful, productive, loving, learned, determined . . .[virtue X] you guarantee that all events and relationships you engage in will have this positive aspect. You can't control things beyond yourself, you can only contribute. The quality of your contribution is directly proportional to the quality of your person. Any specific set of actions, philosophies, philanthropies, 'causes' or the like are impermanent and only useful in a proper context and application. Therefore identification with or association of these activities as 'the best' will simply prevent you from actually being in the moment and responding, you will be reacting to your own idealized mental landscape. Moreover your knowledge of the impact of your actions is severely limited. However we might be aware of the impact of our actions in ways we can understand the butterfly affect of causality extends far beyond our awareness. Furthermore ideas are viral in their spreading. If others observe in you the embodiment of ideals they value and they see the effects of this in and through your actions they too may be inspired to refine themselves. This refracts throughout society as we inspire each other to evolve ourselves. To have a more evolved society we need more developed people to create it. To facilitate the development of others we can only lead by example, share the notes of our own growth journey and support each other.
DrunkenMonkey42
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueAskReddit/comments/1zy161/whats_the_most_a_single_average_person_can_do_to/cfy06au/
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
064 Grief is not five stages
Grief is not five stages. It is five thousand stages.
It is a worthless trip to the grocery store that you stop at because you don’t want to go home, but the thought of cooking reminds you of the last thing you made for your person. So you buy laundry soap and coffee filters and try to forget about mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy.
It is being mad at new things. New movies, new music, new things in your life. Mad because your person would have loved those things. Or hated them. You can hear them saying, “Let’s go see that.” or “That looks dumb.”
It is feeling like you’re drowning all the time. And being okay with it because you don’t have the heart to try not to drown.
It is the internal argument you have with yourself to throw the pills away. Do not chase the high that won’t actually help. You tell yourself that that is a rabbit hole you will not climb back out of so do not throw yourself down it headfirst. It’s not worth it, you tell yourself again and again.
It is being scared to change. Scared to become someone that they didn’t know.
It is being mad that you have this monumental, horrific reason to be mad. Mad at the tears that spring up when you least expect them. Mad that sometimes you forget, and then feeling guilty for forgetting.
It is seeing an ambulance and wanting to puke.
It is digging your heels in and willing time to stop because every day that passes puts you further from the last time you spoke to your person. The sun keeps setting though and it keeps rising and the days keep passing without your consent.
But grief is also love in one of it’s purest forms. It is unrelenting and strong and overwhelming a lot of the time. But it is realizing that you will always love who you love...and loving that. Realizing that no one can steal that love from you. That it won’t go away, or falter, and that you won’t forget.
It is holding onto the idea that you won’t always be drowning. That one day you will wake up and realize that your head is above water again, you might not be swimming yet but at least you’re treading water. One day you will swim again. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week or next month..but someday.
It is learning to be someone new, someone that will be forever changed but still someone that your person would love.
It is throwing yourself at the good that makes you smile, the memories, the laughter, the love.
So grief is five thousand stages. Five thousand brutal stages. Some days will be miserable. Some days will be okay. Some days will be almost normal. It won’t be how it used to be, it will be different and new and hard.
But there is light down this path. Love yourself. Keep loving your person. There is life to be lived still, even on the days where it doesn’t seem like it.
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/asvp6y/my_stages_of_grief/
It is a worthless trip to the grocery store that you stop at because you don’t want to go home, but the thought of cooking reminds you of the last thing you made for your person. So you buy laundry soap and coffee filters and try to forget about mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy.
It is being mad at new things. New movies, new music, new things in your life. Mad because your person would have loved those things. Or hated them. You can hear them saying, “Let’s go see that.” or “That looks dumb.”
It is feeling like you’re drowning all the time. And being okay with it because you don’t have the heart to try not to drown.
It is the internal argument you have with yourself to throw the pills away. Do not chase the high that won’t actually help. You tell yourself that that is a rabbit hole you will not climb back out of so do not throw yourself down it headfirst. It’s not worth it, you tell yourself again and again.
It is being scared to change. Scared to become someone that they didn’t know.
It is being mad that you have this monumental, horrific reason to be mad. Mad at the tears that spring up when you least expect them. Mad that sometimes you forget, and then feeling guilty for forgetting.
It is seeing an ambulance and wanting to puke.
It is digging your heels in and willing time to stop because every day that passes puts you further from the last time you spoke to your person. The sun keeps setting though and it keeps rising and the days keep passing without your consent.
But grief is also love in one of it’s purest forms. It is unrelenting and strong and overwhelming a lot of the time. But it is realizing that you will always love who you love...and loving that. Realizing that no one can steal that love from you. That it won’t go away, or falter, and that you won’t forget.
It is holding onto the idea that you won’t always be drowning. That one day you will wake up and realize that your head is above water again, you might not be swimming yet but at least you’re treading water. One day you will swim again. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week or next month..but someday.
It is learning to be someone new, someone that will be forever changed but still someone that your person would love.
It is throwing yourself at the good that makes you smile, the memories, the laughter, the love.
So grief is five thousand stages. Five thousand brutal stages. Some days will be miserable. Some days will be okay. Some days will be almost normal. It won’t be how it used to be, it will be different and new and hard.
But there is light down this path. Love yourself. Keep loving your person. There is life to be lived still, even on the days where it doesn’t seem like it.
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/asvp6y/my_stages_of_grief/
059 It’s not that I fell out of love with you. I fell out of love with me.
It’s not that I fell out of love with you. I fell out of love with me.I needed to end this because I haven’t felt like a whole person in a long time. I have this unhealthy dependency on you. I don’t know how to talk to people or form relationships with others. I feel anxious all the time. I can’t drink or smoke anymore because I haven’t had fun with these in awhile. I’m just anxious all the fucking time, sober or not. I don’t want you to fill in my emptiness. I want to be whole, and for you to be whole and then together kick fucking ass. But right now, I need to work on me. I need to be okay with me in order to be okay with a whole other person. In order for me to love you as you should be loved, the raw unabashed love, to be me with my “warts and all”, I need to love me, warts and all. I’m sorry. I need to be okay with me.
Source:https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/comments/7rt0vp/its_not_that_i_fell_out_of_love_with_you_i_fell
/
Source:https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/comments/7rt0vp/its_not_that_i_fell_out_of_love_with_you_i_fell
/
058 How to Handle Getting Dumped Like a Pro
How to Handle Getting Dumped Like a Pro
Oh God, I feel your pain. I really do. Chances are if you are reading this, it's because you have recently experienced a breakup, and holy hell it sucks. Hi, I'm Emily, and I have a background in Psychology and Human Development. I am also currently experiencing the aftermath of getting dumped. Boo.
A long time ago, the reddit community helped me through one of the most painful break ups of my life, and I am forever grateful for the kind words and support I received after the fact. Since then, I have gained more experience and knowledge of the dating world, and been able to add to my ever expanding pool of perspective....not to mention reading every breakup self-help book there is. By the time this breakup happened, I already knew what to do, and it has made this tough process that much easier. I'd like to share it with you.
1. No contact. Immediately. I mean it.
No matter what kind of advice you receive on this subject, online, in books, from therapists, you will find that the one thing they ALL agree on is no contact, starting right from the moment you hear the words "I can't do this." That means no texts, no phone calls, no drunken phone calls, no facebook messages, no status commentary, No snapchats of you crying, NOTHING. I can't stress how important this is, and unfortunately it is the hardest part of all.
When somebody breaks up with you, no matter what bullshit reason they offered, it is because they don't want to be with you anymore. That means they don't want to hear from you either. Breaking up is a difficult, and anxiety-producing action for the person doing the dumping no matter what the remaining feelings, and afterwards you can bet they are going to want their space from you...plus some pretty solid reassurance that you aren't going to become a crazy psycho-stalker afterwards. That means not harassing him with your heartfelt paragraphs of what you are feeling at this very raw time, not "checking up on him", and not sending him sad face emoticons (I learned that never elicits a pleasing response a longggg time ago). He needs time to process, you need time to process, and every time you make a fool of yourself texting things you will most definitely regret later, the response you receive (or don't receive) will be like getting dumped all over again. You only need to hear it once, ok? You are at the beginning stages of removing what you thought was a permanent fixture from your life, and it now serves you no purpose to keep putting yourself in a position to get continuously rejected. If he wants to get in touch again, he will, and you can decide from there how to respond, but don't ever chase a man. Preserve your dignity and take some baby steps towards "out of sight, out of mind." It helps a lot in time.
In addition to saving yourself some unnecessary grief, you will also instantly become more mysterious, more powerful, in an area in which you feel like you have none. He broke up with you, he expects you to be upset. Why aren't you showing it? Why aren't you openly pining for him? What are you doing with your now open schedule? He may not ever say these things to you directly, but you can bet he will think them at some point. If nothing else, it makes you seem a little bit more attractive to your now ex, and gives him a nice little poke to the ego WHILE accelerating your healing. Please don't contact your ex. Do not give him the satisfaction of knowing that you are still openly available to him while he carries on doing whatever he wants. You are stronger than that.
2. Do not Stalk your Ex on Social Media
This is another one everybody involved with the subject agrees on, and for good, good reasons. Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat...all of these things are small, fake little cutouts of the big picture, but you will fail to see it that way when you're crying over his status update about how freaking happy he is with his bros at the bar. And you'll invent things in your mind based on what you're seeing, and that will make it suck so much harder.
Why on earth would you want to torture yourself looking at the old pictures, while watching him virtually move on? Delete the pictures, do not give him the chance to untag them all (he will. It will suck.) Unfollow his friends and family so you don't get to accidentally see him in a photo. Unfollow him. Obviously. I'd say unfriend, everybody says unfriend, but if you have enough self control to not look at his page, I say don't bother. If you are doing a good job at no contact he WILL get curious. He will look at your page eventually. Make sure it's full of you being positive, and you looking reallllll good....you want him to be able to see that. So quick....delete that sad song lyric off your status...nobody ever completely regretting dumping someone because the girl posted part of 'wrecking ball' with a crying face and a heart. You are a fabulous person with a great attitude....at least in the face of the general online public. And to him.
3. Give Up the Ghost
In order for this process to go as quickly as possible, (which could be weeks or months, it's different for everyone), and while doing all of your non-stalking and no-contacting, you need to accept that it is over. Some people reconcile, yes, but very,very few, and you must always view your situation as the rule, not the exception. You will seriously hinder your process if you cannot accept that what you had is finished. You will keep hope somewhere in your heart, in a place where it doesn't belong, and it is going to hurt just as bad, if not more, when that gets crushed too. It is so difficult to face yourself and your reality, to stand there in the mirror and say "He is not coming back. My life has changed. My future is undetermined." But the clearer you are with yourself, even in the throws of unrelenting grief, the faster your mind will begin to help you adjust to the new change, and the faster you will be able to get out of bed in the morning without being pissed that you woke up. You are strong, you are capable, you have the strength to be honest with yourself and begin your path to healing. Remove all hope, ye who yearns for reconciliation. Put all your hope into the thoughts of good things to come instead.
4. Understand What's Happening Inside your Mind
When healing a physical illness, the doctor must first understand what is happening inside your body to know how to fix it. In the case of a breakup, you are your own doctor, and I think it is imperative that you be aware of what's happening physically inside your mind to better help you understand your feelings and behaviors and begin to heal.
When we are in love or infatuation (the difference between the two is a whole different article) your brain is producing oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. These chemicals create those bonding, loving, and butterfly feelings you have when you're really into somebody...ESPECIALLY when you are physically intimate with them over a period of time. We are hard-wired to operate this way. Evolution theory says that the purpose of this is to keep partners together when inevitably raising children...it was easier to protect the young from predators and raise them to adulthood with two able-bodied humans on the same team. These primitive feelings and chemical releases are basic functions of our brains, and holy hell are they hard to remove once somebody bails.
The important thing to remember is that the production of these powerful chemicals, the resulting feelings of which you are projecting onto your former partner, will absolutely fade over time if given the appropriate chance. Every profile pic you stare at re-releases them in trace amounts, and every text you send to him couples those chemicals with adrenaline, a dangerous and hindering combination. So don't.do.it.
The really really tough part is that they play some pretty hardcore tricks on you when you are grieving. The oxytocin will make you crave the physical intimacy from him like a drug, and the dopamine will idealize the person in your mind....it will ask you to recall only the happy memories, only the things you loved about them, only the things that made you PERFECT for each other and what the hell is wrong with him, I just need to make him see how good we are together. Stop. Your own mind is trying to sabotage you. Force yourself to write down all the things you DON'T like about him, and make sure to review that list frequently. As the dopamine starts to loosen it's grip on you, that list will seem more and more valid. And guess what, it is.
So just remember, when you're in the middle of a really hard moment that you're not sure how to get through, it's just those pesky chemicals acting up again, and your body cannot physically maintain that level of escalation forever. They will begin to fade, it's basic science. I promise you.
5. He is Not the One, the Universe is Trying to Help You
"Ohhh but yes he is." Says your heart to me. "He is and we are perfect for each other and he just doesn't see it yet." No. Again, stop it. It's the chemicals talking, trying to make you miserable. He is not the one. The one will stay. You will never have to say "he just doesn't see it yet" about the one. The one always sees. The one would never make you feel the way you do right now. You couldn't see that, You couldn't stop idealizing him enough to recognize what the relationship lacked, but the one who dumped you saw for you, thank god. Painful as it is, hard as it may be to live in the wide open and undetermined future, you are being slowly moved along to what should be. You must get through and past this to get to the greater good. And you can. And you will. It is not a choice. And one day, you will wake up next to the person who will stay, who will think it's absolutely mind blowing that this idiot gave you up, and who could have never come to you if you didn't take every step necessary to begin again. Remind yourself through this process that he was not right for you, because otherwise, you would still be together. This debilitating heartache will one day become a distant memory, and you will be happy again. You can do it.
6. A Public Run In
I sincerely hope you are not trying to run into him purposefully, because that violates all no contact, no stalking rules, but if you do happen to see him at the bar, at a restaurant, on the street, etc., you say "hi how are you" (as a statement, not a question), and you reply "great thanks" when he says the same, and then you get the hell out of there. I have had a few occasions in the now very distant past, where I ran into an ex, drunk and sad, and made an absolute ass of myself because I just couldn't tear myself away. We get these fantasy thoughts in our head, like, well he saw me and I look fabulous and he must feel the same way I do about seeing him because all my feelings came flooding back when I looked at his face and he'll come over and confess his undying love soon blah blah blah. But of the times this has happened to me, this fantasy scenario has never occured. Because this person broke up with me and he doesn't feel that way. And men don't operate that way in public anyway, even if they do have leftover feelings. So, I'd get drunker, and more desperate, and at the end of the night would be crying and hanging off of him while his friends tried to pry me off. True story, horrifyingly embarrassing. Not cute at all....please don't let it happen to you. It is not attractive or classy. If you want to do this like a pro, you've got to be real casual, and then you've got to disappear. You are a mysterious enigma...you don't stroke his dumper ego by sticking around and waiting for his attention. The time I finally gained enough experience to do this, I got a text an hour later, "seeing you blew my mind. You look amazing. Where did you go?" It was such a challenge to drag myself right out the door when I saw him there...it's all I thought about. But I'm glad I did, because you know what? I win. You can too.
7. You Are Awesome. Even if You Can't See it Now
Just the fact that you are reading this article, feeling how you are feeling, already proves that you are a caring person, capable of love and affection for another. That is an amazing thing! You gave your heart and your all to somebody, and those untangible items don't just return to you overnight. It takes time, it takes a little bit of self control (ok, alot to not stalk facebook), and it takes letting the grief flow through and out of you until it's gone, no matter how long that takes. Allow yourself your sadness when you feel it, tears release stress hormones and it is emotionally cleansing. It's ok to have these moments, it's ok to feel sad for awhile. You are releasing someone's grip from your heart. It hurts! Say to it, hello sadness. Here you are again. Come do what you must, but please don't stay too long.
Getting dumped is unarguably one of the most difficult human experiences one can have. Along with mourning the loss of physical and emotional intimacy with someone you saw a future with, your self-worth and esteem get wiped out. Your ego is bruised and your heart is so broken that you don't feel like you'll ever be yourself again. It's lonely, and it's exhausting. But it is something pretty much all of us go through at one time or another, and you are not alone. At any given time, there are millions out there who are going through exactly what you are at this time, and can relate to you better than you could ever imagine. I'm one of them. But it's up to you how you deal with this, what steps you take.
You are open now to learn how to fully and completely find ways to love yourself, so that the next person doesn't complete you or fill your voids, but instead positively adds his whole self to your whole self. You don't need no man, you need to heal, and then you need to love you so somebody else can. It is all part of the roller coaster human experience. You.Can.Get.Through.This.
Love, Emily
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/comments/36fvkd/how_to_handle_getting_dumped_like_a_pro/
Oh God, I feel your pain. I really do. Chances are if you are reading this, it's because you have recently experienced a breakup, and holy hell it sucks. Hi, I'm Emily, and I have a background in Psychology and Human Development. I am also currently experiencing the aftermath of getting dumped. Boo.
A long time ago, the reddit community helped me through one of the most painful break ups of my life, and I am forever grateful for the kind words and support I received after the fact. Since then, I have gained more experience and knowledge of the dating world, and been able to add to my ever expanding pool of perspective....not to mention reading every breakup self-help book there is. By the time this breakup happened, I already knew what to do, and it has made this tough process that much easier. I'd like to share it with you.
1. No contact. Immediately. I mean it.
No matter what kind of advice you receive on this subject, online, in books, from therapists, you will find that the one thing they ALL agree on is no contact, starting right from the moment you hear the words "I can't do this." That means no texts, no phone calls, no drunken phone calls, no facebook messages, no status commentary, No snapchats of you crying, NOTHING. I can't stress how important this is, and unfortunately it is the hardest part of all.
When somebody breaks up with you, no matter what bullshit reason they offered, it is because they don't want to be with you anymore. That means they don't want to hear from you either. Breaking up is a difficult, and anxiety-producing action for the person doing the dumping no matter what the remaining feelings, and afterwards you can bet they are going to want their space from you...plus some pretty solid reassurance that you aren't going to become a crazy psycho-stalker afterwards. That means not harassing him with your heartfelt paragraphs of what you are feeling at this very raw time, not "checking up on him", and not sending him sad face emoticons (I learned that never elicits a pleasing response a longggg time ago). He needs time to process, you need time to process, and every time you make a fool of yourself texting things you will most definitely regret later, the response you receive (or don't receive) will be like getting dumped all over again. You only need to hear it once, ok? You are at the beginning stages of removing what you thought was a permanent fixture from your life, and it now serves you no purpose to keep putting yourself in a position to get continuously rejected. If he wants to get in touch again, he will, and you can decide from there how to respond, but don't ever chase a man. Preserve your dignity and take some baby steps towards "out of sight, out of mind." It helps a lot in time.
In addition to saving yourself some unnecessary grief, you will also instantly become more mysterious, more powerful, in an area in which you feel like you have none. He broke up with you, he expects you to be upset. Why aren't you showing it? Why aren't you openly pining for him? What are you doing with your now open schedule? He may not ever say these things to you directly, but you can bet he will think them at some point. If nothing else, it makes you seem a little bit more attractive to your now ex, and gives him a nice little poke to the ego WHILE accelerating your healing. Please don't contact your ex. Do not give him the satisfaction of knowing that you are still openly available to him while he carries on doing whatever he wants. You are stronger than that.
2. Do not Stalk your Ex on Social Media
This is another one everybody involved with the subject agrees on, and for good, good reasons. Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat...all of these things are small, fake little cutouts of the big picture, but you will fail to see it that way when you're crying over his status update about how freaking happy he is with his bros at the bar. And you'll invent things in your mind based on what you're seeing, and that will make it suck so much harder.
Why on earth would you want to torture yourself looking at the old pictures, while watching him virtually move on? Delete the pictures, do not give him the chance to untag them all (he will. It will suck.) Unfollow his friends and family so you don't get to accidentally see him in a photo. Unfollow him. Obviously. I'd say unfriend, everybody says unfriend, but if you have enough self control to not look at his page, I say don't bother. If you are doing a good job at no contact he WILL get curious. He will look at your page eventually. Make sure it's full of you being positive, and you looking reallllll good....you want him to be able to see that. So quick....delete that sad song lyric off your status...nobody ever completely regretting dumping someone because the girl posted part of 'wrecking ball' with a crying face and a heart. You are a fabulous person with a great attitude....at least in the face of the general online public. And to him.
3. Give Up the Ghost
In order for this process to go as quickly as possible, (which could be weeks or months, it's different for everyone), and while doing all of your non-stalking and no-contacting, you need to accept that it is over. Some people reconcile, yes, but very,very few, and you must always view your situation as the rule, not the exception. You will seriously hinder your process if you cannot accept that what you had is finished. You will keep hope somewhere in your heart, in a place where it doesn't belong, and it is going to hurt just as bad, if not more, when that gets crushed too. It is so difficult to face yourself and your reality, to stand there in the mirror and say "He is not coming back. My life has changed. My future is undetermined." But the clearer you are with yourself, even in the throws of unrelenting grief, the faster your mind will begin to help you adjust to the new change, and the faster you will be able to get out of bed in the morning without being pissed that you woke up. You are strong, you are capable, you have the strength to be honest with yourself and begin your path to healing. Remove all hope, ye who yearns for reconciliation. Put all your hope into the thoughts of good things to come instead.
4. Understand What's Happening Inside your Mind
When healing a physical illness, the doctor must first understand what is happening inside your body to know how to fix it. In the case of a breakup, you are your own doctor, and I think it is imperative that you be aware of what's happening physically inside your mind to better help you understand your feelings and behaviors and begin to heal.
When we are in love or infatuation (the difference between the two is a whole different article) your brain is producing oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. These chemicals create those bonding, loving, and butterfly feelings you have when you're really into somebody...ESPECIALLY when you are physically intimate with them over a period of time. We are hard-wired to operate this way. Evolution theory says that the purpose of this is to keep partners together when inevitably raising children...it was easier to protect the young from predators and raise them to adulthood with two able-bodied humans on the same team. These primitive feelings and chemical releases are basic functions of our brains, and holy hell are they hard to remove once somebody bails.
The important thing to remember is that the production of these powerful chemicals, the resulting feelings of which you are projecting onto your former partner, will absolutely fade over time if given the appropriate chance. Every profile pic you stare at re-releases them in trace amounts, and every text you send to him couples those chemicals with adrenaline, a dangerous and hindering combination. So don't.do.it.
The really really tough part is that they play some pretty hardcore tricks on you when you are grieving. The oxytocin will make you crave the physical intimacy from him like a drug, and the dopamine will idealize the person in your mind....it will ask you to recall only the happy memories, only the things you loved about them, only the things that made you PERFECT for each other and what the hell is wrong with him, I just need to make him see how good we are together. Stop. Your own mind is trying to sabotage you. Force yourself to write down all the things you DON'T like about him, and make sure to review that list frequently. As the dopamine starts to loosen it's grip on you, that list will seem more and more valid. And guess what, it is.
So just remember, when you're in the middle of a really hard moment that you're not sure how to get through, it's just those pesky chemicals acting up again, and your body cannot physically maintain that level of escalation forever. They will begin to fade, it's basic science. I promise you.
5. He is Not the One, the Universe is Trying to Help You
"Ohhh but yes he is." Says your heart to me. "He is and we are perfect for each other and he just doesn't see it yet." No. Again, stop it. It's the chemicals talking, trying to make you miserable. He is not the one. The one will stay. You will never have to say "he just doesn't see it yet" about the one. The one always sees. The one would never make you feel the way you do right now. You couldn't see that, You couldn't stop idealizing him enough to recognize what the relationship lacked, but the one who dumped you saw for you, thank god. Painful as it is, hard as it may be to live in the wide open and undetermined future, you are being slowly moved along to what should be. You must get through and past this to get to the greater good. And you can. And you will. It is not a choice. And one day, you will wake up next to the person who will stay, who will think it's absolutely mind blowing that this idiot gave you up, and who could have never come to you if you didn't take every step necessary to begin again. Remind yourself through this process that he was not right for you, because otherwise, you would still be together. This debilitating heartache will one day become a distant memory, and you will be happy again. You can do it.
6. A Public Run In
I sincerely hope you are not trying to run into him purposefully, because that violates all no contact, no stalking rules, but if you do happen to see him at the bar, at a restaurant, on the street, etc., you say "hi how are you" (as a statement, not a question), and you reply "great thanks" when he says the same, and then you get the hell out of there. I have had a few occasions in the now very distant past, where I ran into an ex, drunk and sad, and made an absolute ass of myself because I just couldn't tear myself away. We get these fantasy thoughts in our head, like, well he saw me and I look fabulous and he must feel the same way I do about seeing him because all my feelings came flooding back when I looked at his face and he'll come over and confess his undying love soon blah blah blah. But of the times this has happened to me, this fantasy scenario has never occured. Because this person broke up with me and he doesn't feel that way. And men don't operate that way in public anyway, even if they do have leftover feelings. So, I'd get drunker, and more desperate, and at the end of the night would be crying and hanging off of him while his friends tried to pry me off. True story, horrifyingly embarrassing. Not cute at all....please don't let it happen to you. It is not attractive or classy. If you want to do this like a pro, you've got to be real casual, and then you've got to disappear. You are a mysterious enigma...you don't stroke his dumper ego by sticking around and waiting for his attention. The time I finally gained enough experience to do this, I got a text an hour later, "seeing you blew my mind. You look amazing. Where did you go?" It was such a challenge to drag myself right out the door when I saw him there...it's all I thought about. But I'm glad I did, because you know what? I win. You can too.
7. You Are Awesome. Even if You Can't See it Now
Just the fact that you are reading this article, feeling how you are feeling, already proves that you are a caring person, capable of love and affection for another. That is an amazing thing! You gave your heart and your all to somebody, and those untangible items don't just return to you overnight. It takes time, it takes a little bit of self control (ok, alot to not stalk facebook), and it takes letting the grief flow through and out of you until it's gone, no matter how long that takes. Allow yourself your sadness when you feel it, tears release stress hormones and it is emotionally cleansing. It's ok to have these moments, it's ok to feel sad for awhile. You are releasing someone's grip from your heart. It hurts! Say to it, hello sadness. Here you are again. Come do what you must, but please don't stay too long.
Getting dumped is unarguably one of the most difficult human experiences one can have. Along with mourning the loss of physical and emotional intimacy with someone you saw a future with, your self-worth and esteem get wiped out. Your ego is bruised and your heart is so broken that you don't feel like you'll ever be yourself again. It's lonely, and it's exhausting. But it is something pretty much all of us go through at one time or another, and you are not alone. At any given time, there are millions out there who are going through exactly what you are at this time, and can relate to you better than you could ever imagine. I'm one of them. But it's up to you how you deal with this, what steps you take.
You are open now to learn how to fully and completely find ways to love yourself, so that the next person doesn't complete you or fill your voids, but instead positively adds his whole self to your whole self. You don't need no man, you need to heal, and then you need to love you so somebody else can. It is all part of the roller coaster human experience. You.Can.Get.Through.This.
Love, Emily
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/comments/36fvkd/how_to_handle_getting_dumped_like_a_pro/
032 you have a wish list
You don’t have standards you have a wish list and you haven’t learned to parry it with
reality.
Expecting somebody to perfectly fit your exact tick box/wish list is what Disney/romcoms have falsely taught you to expect from love. Find somebody to build a mould together with as you go along; don’t try to shove others into an unrealistic/unattainable mould.
Unknown Reddit User
reality.
Expecting somebody to perfectly fit your exact tick box/wish list is what Disney/romcoms have falsely taught you to expect from love. Find somebody to build a mould together with as you go along; don’t try to shove others into an unrealistic/unattainable mould.
Unknown Reddit User
022 I don't know what to do anymore
I found my mom last night. She was only 65, I’m 31 and her and my son were best
friends. He’s asking me where Gigi is and I don’t know what to do anymore. I still need
her.
Unknown Reddit User
friends. He’s asking me where Gigi is and I don’t know what to do anymore. I still need
her.
Unknown Reddit User
021 The pinnacle of hardship
This right now, is the hardest thing you will ever do. No matter where you go in life,
loss will be the pinnacle of hardship. And it isn’t going to get easier from here. People
will tell you that it will, but the pain of this loss that you feel right now will be with you
forever. It will never lessen. But you will get stronger, so it will feel like it does.
Unknown Reddit User
loss will be the pinnacle of hardship. And it isn’t going to get easier from here. People
will tell you that it will, but the pain of this loss that you feel right now will be with you
forever. It will never lessen. But you will get stronger, so it will feel like it does.
Unknown Reddit User
020 I feel guilty
I feel guilty when I try to move on. I took a personal day today just to grieve. But I
didn’t touch a video game or anything. I feel bad that my life should be allowed to go
on while my loved one’s has ended. I feel wrong to enjoy anything after a loved one
has passed, because I feel that as long as they’re at the forefront of my mind, they’d still
be “living” right?
Unknown Reddit User
didn’t touch a video game or anything. I feel bad that my life should be allowed to go
on while my loved one’s has ended. I feel wrong to enjoy anything after a loved one
has passed, because I feel that as long as they’re at the forefront of my mind, they’d still
be “living” right?
Unknown Reddit User
019 Celebrate the dead
While your grief will never leave you and the pain will remain as present as it ever has
been, the fact that someone is grieved for means that that person did some amazing and
incredible things in their life. Celebrate those amazing things, celebrate their legacy left
behind. Continue living your life to the fullest, and make those who we can no longer
see, hear or touch proud of us. That is all they wish for.
Unknown Reddit User
been, the fact that someone is grieved for means that that person did some amazing and
incredible things in their life. Celebrate those amazing things, celebrate their legacy left
behind. Continue living your life to the fullest, and make those who we can no longer
see, hear or touch proud of us. That is all they wish for.
Unknown Reddit User
018 I hate when people say “I’m sorry”
I hate when people say “I’m sorry” for stuff like this.
So. Here is what i want to share with you.
My dad died, it’s been 2 years already.
I wasn’t close to him, but for some reason, i miss him.
And honestly, i don’t believe that wounds like this heal ever.
Loss of someone in your life is hard as fuck.
And honestly, it took me a long time to even realize that i lost someone.
It was a confusing thing to me how someone can just disappear like that.
Alive one second, gone the next. Everything around keeps going, like nothing happened.
They don’t answer their phone anymore, the messages. They don’t call to ask how are
you, did you eat.
They don’t answer when you ask them something. It’s just silence.
I didn’t feel the pain for a long time. But after some time, it started coming, and it comes now and then.
It’s here now as i’m writing this.
So here is what i would say to you.
I hope that you remember her in the best possible way, that your thoughts go to the good times you had, to her beauty and love. To your good and even bad times yes.
And when you do feel pain, i hope you feel love too.
Her love for you, and your love for her.
You won’t get over the pain, there will always be an empty space in your life.
And i think that is good. I think pain is good.
Because it shows that you did and do love her.
It shows that she was someone important and special to you.
That she left a mark. And that she can’t be easily replaced.
The pain stays.
I personally embraced it.
And when it comes.
I just hug it.
\<3
TheChildrenOfAmerica
So. Here is what i want to share with you.
My dad died, it’s been 2 years already.
I wasn’t close to him, but for some reason, i miss him.
And honestly, i don’t believe that wounds like this heal ever.
Loss of someone in your life is hard as fuck.
And honestly, it took me a long time to even realize that i lost someone.
It was a confusing thing to me how someone can just disappear like that.
Alive one second, gone the next. Everything around keeps going, like nothing happened.
They don’t answer their phone anymore, the messages. They don’t call to ask how are
you, did you eat.
They don’t answer when you ask them something. It’s just silence.
I didn’t feel the pain for a long time. But after some time, it started coming, and it comes now and then.
It’s here now as i’m writing this.
So here is what i would say to you.
I hope that you remember her in the best possible way, that your thoughts go to the good times you had, to her beauty and love. To your good and even bad times yes.
And when you do feel pain, i hope you feel love too.
Her love for you, and your love for her.
You won’t get over the pain, there will always be an empty space in your life.
And i think that is good. I think pain is good.
Because it shows that you did and do love her.
It shows that she was someone important and special to you.
That she left a mark. And that she can’t be easily replaced.
The pain stays.
I personally embraced it.
And when it comes.
I just hug it.
\<3
TheChildrenOfAmerica
017 Grief comes in waves
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've
known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents,
mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children,
and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through
me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter".
I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the
relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.
Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut,
or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is
stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people
who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with
wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the
magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece
of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy
memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float.
Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds
apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a
while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further
apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can
breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a
picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave
comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet
tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming.
An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most
part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again,
come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage,
but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't
really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll
survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
GSnow
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents,
mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children,
and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through
me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter".
I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the
relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.
Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut,
or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is
stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people
who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with
wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the
magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece
of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy
memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float.
Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds
apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a
while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further
apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can
breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a
picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave
comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet
tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming.
An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most
part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again,
come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage,
but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't
really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll
survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
GSnow
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
016 Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
“How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd?”
Appreciating these lines calls for some background understanding. So here is some history you might wanna dig into—
The poem is based on the clandestine love and subsequent marriage of Héloïse d'Argenteuil to Peter Abélard, her teacher. Abélard insisted that she keep their marriage a secret as it might mar his reputation. However, as the word spread, Abélard persuaded Héloïse to take the vow of silence in the convent of Argenteuil, for her own safety. This act of his was perceived by her family as his attempt to get rid of her. They sought their vengeance by castrating him. Completely mortified, Abélard became a monk in the Abbey of St Denis in Paris. After several years of agonizing separation,
Héloïse's feelings for Abélard were revived. So they exchanged four letters, where they expressed their indignation, anguish and consternation. However, their conflict of opinions left them both feeling bitter. So she decided on living in solitude than spend an eternity with him.
Now, back to the point –
1--- How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
2--- The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
3--- Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
4--- Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd ..
1--- The nuns (chaste women) who devote their life to serving God are cut off from the world and happy due to their ignorance.
2---The vestals forget the world and the world reciprocates it for them. Neither of them has the need to think of the other.
3--- A mind that does not dwell upon the tribulations of the past and dissociates itself from any ingrained feelings experiences true bliss, comparable to an “eternal sunshine”.
4--- Héloïse feels happy about the fact that her prayer for lapse of memory on events that had bothered her over the years had been answered. Also, she voluntarily demits herself from her wish to be reunited with her long-lost love when she comes to terms with the fact that he never truly loved her. (Reference - Héloïse d'Argenteuil)
These lines are quoted by Mary Svevo in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind”. She also quotes Nietzsche (“Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders”) in the same scene, thus supporting the above idea.
Swarna Jayaraman
Source: https://www.quora.com/What-does-this-quote-by-Alexander-Pope-mean-%E2%80%9CHow-happy-is-the-blameless-vestals-lot-The-world-forgetting-by-the-world-forgot-Eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind-Each-prayr-accepted-and-each-wish-resignd-%E2%80%9D
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd?”
Alexander Pope
Appreciating these lines calls for some background understanding. So here is some history you might wanna dig into—
The poem is based on the clandestine love and subsequent marriage of Héloïse d'Argenteuil to Peter Abélard, her teacher. Abélard insisted that she keep their marriage a secret as it might mar his reputation. However, as the word spread, Abélard persuaded Héloïse to take the vow of silence in the convent of Argenteuil, for her own safety. This act of his was perceived by her family as his attempt to get rid of her. They sought their vengeance by castrating him. Completely mortified, Abélard became a monk in the Abbey of St Denis in Paris. After several years of agonizing separation,
Héloïse's feelings for Abélard were revived. So they exchanged four letters, where they expressed their indignation, anguish and consternation. However, their conflict of opinions left them both feeling bitter. So she decided on living in solitude than spend an eternity with him.
Now, back to the point –
1--- How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
2--- The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
3--- Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
4--- Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd ..
1--- The nuns (chaste women) who devote their life to serving God are cut off from the world and happy due to their ignorance.
2---The vestals forget the world and the world reciprocates it for them. Neither of them has the need to think of the other.
3--- A mind that does not dwell upon the tribulations of the past and dissociates itself from any ingrained feelings experiences true bliss, comparable to an “eternal sunshine”.
4--- Héloïse feels happy about the fact that her prayer for lapse of memory on events that had bothered her over the years had been answered. Also, she voluntarily demits herself from her wish to be reunited with her long-lost love when she comes to terms with the fact that he never truly loved her. (Reference - Héloïse d'Argenteuil)
These lines are quoted by Mary Svevo in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind”. She also quotes Nietzsche (“Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders”) in the same scene, thus supporting the above idea.
Swarna Jayaraman
Source: https://www.quora.com/What-does-this-quote-by-Alexander-Pope-mean-%E2%80%9CHow-happy-is-the-blameless-vestals-lot-The-world-forgetting-by-the-world-forgot-Eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind-Each-prayr-accepted-and-each-wish-resignd-%E2%80%9D
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