Tuesday, September 24, 2019

169 I want to be erased

I'm a waste of oxygen, food and any other essential or non-essential resource. The fact that people seem to regard me as talented simply for the copious amounts of academical successes I've reached madden me so much that I want to ram my head into a metal wall just to show them that no, I'm not deserving of this. I don't even care about it. Even if it may seem like it.

I think I'm retarded. Something, somethings - must have gone wrong when I was born. I don't feel human and I believe I'm beneath every single member of society due to my inability to connect to anyone. Oh, yeah, all these medals, even a scholarship and diplomas - wow, look, I'm so smart!

No. They're as worthless as the junk that I learn for education on a daily basis. And that's the only thing I'm good at. Iterating this learned junk so masterfully that everyone is blindly latching onto the idea that I'm the smartest student in class.

Even my parent has told me that I'm only smart on paper. Everything else that actually matters - such as social interaction, and following instructions so simple that people half my age would be able to follow it? Yeah, I can't do those. I'm a dull witted idiot. I fully believe something truly fucked up with my brain development. And the words 'you're only smart on paper' wouldn't hurt as much if they weren't the truth. And I know they are. It's not simply even being about socially inept anymore. It's just being an imbecile. And expected to be up to the standard of every normal and average human - and those standards I cannot meet.

I remember when I used to be happy. Absolutely nothing gives me what I would call joy. I like only a few things in this world, and without them I'd have jumped off of my balcony already. Knowing myself, I'd fail at that too. There's just this one ingredient that everyone has that I'm missing. The one thing that makes them behave like the normal person that I am not.

And beyond being a cretin? I'm ungrateful. I'm reminded that I'm ungrateful on a daily basis verbally.

I have a home. I have food. I have access to an electronic device. I have a cat. I go to school and receive top marks.

And then I remember there's people with none of these things, and people who're also out there, clinging to this world with the last specks of their sanity - people who have to challenge and beat prejudices, people who're discriminated against for the colour of their skin, race, religion, sex, gender, nationality, sexual orientation. And none of these things that trouble the abovementioned figures trouble me as an individual - I am unharmed by these negatives. But I still don't want to exist.

I don't want to kill myself. Because a lot of effort, time and energy, alongside money, was put in the act of raising me to the state I am today. I don't want to throw that away. But if there was just this button to completely wipe all traces of me from the face of this earth? I'd sure as hell sign up.

I wish I'd just been born like most of humanity on Earth; a part of the majority. I wouldn't even care if I had been born a homophobic twat if it meant I could blend in with others. Just for a little time. I wouldn't care if I had been born a racist, a sexist, or any other vile scum that are so well integrated into society. That's just how selfish I am. I wish I had been born an ignorant ass, if it meant just a modicum of happiness - for myself.

I still remember when my sister asked my mother about suicide as a young kid (she's not suicidal). My mother said all those who kill themselves are condemned to hell for all of eternity. And out of all the things that I've heard in all of my life, this one, this particular line brings a genuine smile to my face. This is how she expects, this is how society around me expects that they discourage suicide.

Besides, I'm going to hell regardless. Not that I've done any particular evils, no. I just never believed in God. So I'm cruising down to hell, I suppose, to punish for my lack of faith. But I sincerely hope it's just a big, endless, empty sleep that comes after death.

I'll go sleep it off now. Suicide would be wasted on a person like me, anyway.

Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/d60cn5/if_there_was_a_button_for_deleting_myself_out_of/