Thursday, November 21, 2019

179 a double life

I read a lot of posts on here of people struggling with daily, debilitating depression that plagues every aspect of their lives, making it difficult to do small things like even take a shower. I feel that I am on the opposite side of the spectrum and wanted to share that it is equally as horrible.

From an outsider's perspective, I appear to be a very happy and stable individual. I have a financially secure job and I go to work every day and not only try my best but actively try to get along with others and make people laugh every day. My coworkers like me, and some look up to me. No one would think I have any problems at all. However, I feel like I am hidden behind a veil, and when I come home from work and when I am in the privacy of my home, I am in such crippling depression. I have such terrible episodes of sadness. I hate myself. I over-analyze everything stupid I do or say throughout the day and I replay it in my mind constantly and belittle myself. I don't feel proud of myself for any of my accomplishments and genuinely don't know why anyone even likes me. And yet I still get up every day, live this routine, and put on a facade like I am okay. It feels like I am living a double life that I cannot escape.


178 that's me

That's me, i don't want to have a relationship bc i'm mentally unstable. I'm heavily depressed, and i'm afraid i'll end up hurting the other person.

> This is where I am right now. There's a girl that I think is actually interested in me but I don't want to end up being a burden on her.